My desire to not lose

...and at the risk of getting backlash for sounding like a poor sport Mother...

During my 8 year old's last baseball game (which was the first in their playoffs - yes they have playoffs in little league) I realized that my desire to have the team win was so intense, that I had to take a step back and have a momentary self check.

I started wondering why did I feel so intense about winning?

I think it has something to do with the fact that I was pretty pathetic physically and academically growing up, I never "won" at anything. Self rant can be read here.

I want so much to finally feel a win through my kids (who did not inherit my muddled academic brain and clumsy physical ability, thank you Good Lord above for small miracles). I know that's selfish of me.

I never played any sport growing up - soccer, baseball, etc - I was too scared of the ball hitting me. In dodge ball at school, I'd be targeted by the bigger stronger boys and damn those balls hurt when contact is made with your bare skin. And in gym when we'd line up for team picking for any sport, I'd ALWAYS be picked last.

I didn't have sport trophies lining my bedroom shelves. I was given a yellow ribbon for "Good Effort" at each school Sports Day. Try wearing that during Sports Day while everyone else has their Red first place and Blue second place ribbons littering their t-shirts.

Academically, I'd work my ass off to earn a "C" grade in many subjects. I distinctly remember my grade 6 math teacher Mr. Martin giving me a passing grade for good effort. I seem to remember getting a 51% 'good effort' mark in Grade 10 History.

So yeah I want my boys baseball teams to win. The frustration I feel is quite intense when there is a loss. I guess I want my boys to experience that 'winning feeling' that I've never felt when it comes to sports and academics.

And as for my academically inclined 12 year old (I have to Google half the stuff he's working on because I have no clue how to do it), I want him to feel good about his smarts and get good grades.
You know you're not smart when your grade sixer asks you a simple math question and you stand there with a stunned look on your face trying to understand what he just asked you (was that question in English?? Go ask your Dad).

*this post was written during a vent of frustration
**no dodge balls were hucked at children during the creation of this post
***for the record, I'm very proud of my kids