Admittance by Donation

Park & Tilford Garden's Christmas Lights

Or if you’re my family and myself, admittance-by-just-walking-right-on-in-without-donating-a-darn-thing-because-you-never-saw-the-stupid-sign that said “Admission by Donation”.

Of course I didn’t see the large sign that said “Donation” because I was too busy trying to be all purdy to the cute North Vancouver District Firemen who were manning the friggin donation box… keep my boys on a leash…ogling the firemen!

‘Scuze me but I didn’t see the box because it was placed behind four cute firemen and I was trying to figure out what they looked like underneath their getup!

So barrel-on-in we did because we had one mission (and apparently it was not to donate anything). We were going to play hide and seek, in the dark, in the gardens, surrounded by Christmas lights, me, the boys, my Mom and sister.

So play hide and seek we did, like we do every year. Two teams walking around the Christmas-light-decked-out-garden trying to spy on each other without getting into too much trouble or knocking too many people over.

All the while my Dad took pictures:

So upon leaving, for some reason I turned around for one last look at the firemen, and I noticed the “Admittance by Donation” sign.

Oh my God, we’re a bunch of criminals. I can only hope that this truck load of boys DOES doesn’t arrive at my house should I need them, and recognize me for the cheapskate I am.

Obituaries - Alarm Clock

An alarm clock met it's untimely death by being stomped on in a fit of frustrated tired rage this morning.

For two mornings in a row, said alarm clock didn't "alarm" in the morning, resulting in the Mom waking up way late for work.

Waking up "way late for work" results in the Mom speeding through morning rituals:

• Half-ass hair wash
• Underarm soap not being rinsed completely
• "Other" soap not being rinsed completely - potential awkward ichfest
• Record breaking shower that should have earned a speeding ticket
• Forgetting to brush the teeth - thank God for the ancient toothbrush and toothpaste at work
• No eye makeup
• Speed-drinking the morning coffee - resulting in a stomach cramp
• And just generally whacking the Mom's day off kilter

Alarm clock will not be missed because this is not the first, second, or even sixth time it hasn't "alarmed" in the morning. Alarm clock has earned the nickname "Piece of Shite".

The funeral was held after work. By funeral the Mom means the zillion little pieces that were the "Piece of Shite" being unceremoniously dumped in the trash.

Good riddance, Piece of Shite. You will not be missed.

"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn...

...the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."

Clark Griswold, staring out his window looking at Eddie empty his RV toilet into the sewer.

Christmas Vacation - probably one of my most favourite Christmas movies ever, ever, ever.

I try to watch all of the Christmas specials on TV with my kids:

• The original cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas - awesome!!
• Frosty the Snowman - wouldn't be Christmas without him
• Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - I sometimes feel like a misfit too
• It's a Wonderful Life - such an amazing classic movie
• A Christmas Carol - probably one of my all time faves from when I was a child. The one with George C. Scott is the best
• The Polar Express - a new favourite added to the list within the last few years. The colours and screenplay are amazing

But of course, nothing beats Clark Griswold and his antics.

"Clark, we're stuck under a truck."

"We were gonna call, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise"
"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now."

Happy Griswold!

One goal, one assist and very frozen toes

Soccer last Saturday.

Rainy and wet.

Complete lack of enthusiasm on my part standing under my umbrella.

Having a kid who plays soccer does not a soccer Mom make!

This is the last place I'd rather be on a wet, rainy Saturday morning, freezing my toes on the cold ground.

Not to mention my gloves are slowly growing wet from blowing rain.

And then, on my fingers and toes, the Raynaud's starts. Not sure what that is? Check it out here. The top left picture is really what my fingers look like.

The pain starts to become quite severe in my fingers - this is a regular occurrence for me in the wet cold - and concentration on the soccer game slips away.

"Mom, did you see the goal I just scored?"

No

"Yeah buddy, it was awesome!!"

Good lord, will this game ever end. It's all I can do to get blood flowing back to my fingers.

Into the second half of the game...

"Mom, I just got an assist, and helped Colin score a goal. Did you see it?"

No

"Yeah, great job setting him up for a goal!!"

And this production repeats itself every other Saturday (hubby and I rotate), from Sept, to about April (any amount of cold will set off my Raynaud's). Putting my hand in the freezer section of the grocery store sets it off.

But every other week I go with the boy to a game. He's a wicked little player but my stupid Raynaud's prevents me from having fun there during the fall and winter months.

Needless to say, both the boy and myself dove into the hot tub when we got home. Me to warm up. He to sooth his goal scoring 'mooscles'!

Icing on top - they lost the game :(

Wet Leaves

Not sure if you've seen the Canadian Tire commercials (if you're Canadian anyway) where a family is enjoying frolicking around in their front yard, playing in the leaves on a lovely fall day.

Let me tell you the reality of leaf frolicking in Vancouver...it doesn't happen.

There is no such thing as dry leaf piles in Vancouver.

In Vancouver, when the leaves start to fall, you know it's time for dreary weather.

As soon as there's a new layer of leaves on the ground, the rain starts. Rain makes for soggy leaves that you don't play in.

Once the rain stops, the sun will come out, the temp will drop, and the frost will cover everything outdoors and freeze it to the ground.

Frozen leaves make for extremely slippy conditions for walking and become Mother Natures death trap and there is no place to avoid them because they haven't been removed from the ground because prior to freezing, the rain has kept people indoors.

Once the temp goes up a bit, the frozen leaves thaw, but are now in a skeletal condition not worthy of anybody's time to clean up. These leaves leave a permanent brown stain on sidewalks and driveways which will eventually have faded at about the April time frame due to lots of rainfall.

So no Canadian Tire, we won't be playing in any leaf piles in our yard this season!

When and Where to Apply Your Face

Short answer? Not on the bus or behind the wheel of your car!

We've all seen ladies applying their faces while driving, or stopped at a red light. And we all know how stupidly unsafe this is. Not to mention, how accurate can you possibly get with your mascara, etc, while peering into your rear view mirror and driving over man holes.

But what I see everyday while on the bus are the same two girls putting on their entire faces once they take their seats. Out pops their entire inventory of beauty products and the face-putting-on begins.

Are you really this unorganized in the morning that you can't take an extra 10 minutes before you leave the house to do this?

Buses are bumpy, jerky vehicles and it's not uncommon to slip slide in your seat as the driver breaks, speeds up and travels over bumps in the road. How can you possibly be applying your makeup here without stabbing your mascara wand in your eye?

I can't even apply my own mascara while standing stock still without splotching it on my upper lid . If I even attempted this on the bus, I'd probably impale the person sitting next to me.

C'mon ladies...do it at home.

How To Apply Uber Skinny Jeans

When I say apply, I don't mean put on over your legs, pull up over your butt and zipper them up. That would mean "putting on a pair of pants".

No no. Uber Skinny Jeans require a certain procedure in getting into. It's a process that takes certain skill, patience and not much finesse.

First you have to mentally prepare yourself for this process...physically too (once on, you can't take off so pee first!)

First step is getting your feet through the one inch foot holes. No small "feet" - ahaha, get it?

You then have to heave the skin tight denim up and over your knees.

Once up over the knee area, you then have to shimmy them up to your waist location. You need to do the jiggle-your-butt maneuver in order to place your derriere inside fashion's modern day torture device. This might involve using your own hands to squish and prod your glutes in place. Much like jamming as much clothing into your luggage and trying to close it up.

At this moment, the Uber Skinnies are still not zippered/bottoned up. This is your last chance to take a nice deep breath with your gut hanging out because this is the last time you'll do it while wedged inside this contraption.

Now, make sure there's a bed behind you....and fall onto it, on your back, stick straight, legs falling up so that you maintain that perfect linear, straight edged line.

This is the only way to do up any zippers or buttons. Ladies, you know what I mean!

Roll onto your side and use your arms to get up off of the bed. You will never be able to bend again.

Forget about sitting at your desk at work with your legs bent. Oh no, your knee caps are pressed so tight between denim and leg bone you feel like they might pop out of place.

After eight hours of feeling like you've been wearing half a body cast, you get home and take the second skin off. Here's how you do it...

All of the above only in reverse.

Then once your skin has thanked you from releasing it from constriction, you can marvel at the seam marks left permanently etched into your skin due to the equally tight heeled boots that were pressing denim and sock into your lady hide.

Ohh, sexy! I've had my pants off for about two hours now and I still have seam patterns all over my ankles.

My knee caps are thanking me right about now!

Questionable Halloween Candy

Like any kid who went out on Monday night Trick or Treating, my two came home with a haul of goodies fit for a King.

I'm sure you're like me - the bags get dumped out on the floor and I literally sort through each and every one to ensure they're safe. I don't question my neighbourhood, necessarily. Each and every house we go to is totally fine and most have kids who either go to our elementary school or the one up the road.

The problem I have is with what goes through some folks minds when "preparing" their Halloween treats. The word preparing is a problem here. What's there to prepare? You open a box of Mars Bars, dump them into a bowl and put them at your front door.

But every year there's that one person who decides to go-that-extra-mile-for-the-kids and puts loose candies into individual bags that are decked out with all manner of spookiness, tied up with ribbons and bows (and repeat this process 100 times).

Why??

Loose candies?? (shaking my head) and off to the trash they go. What a waste.

Loose jelly beans, loose jube jubes, loose Skittles??

Why??

First of all your dirty, nasty hands have touched those loose candies and I don't know where they've been!

Second, and this is going back to my days of Trick or Treating 30 years ago, any fool knows about candy safety unless they are deliberately wanting to harm a child (I curse you whoever you are).

So why would you even bother to do this. Is it to save money? Really?

I get the whole "it's the thought that counts" thing, but in this case, there is no thought. It's just sheer stupidity.

Okay so now what do I do?

Okay, so here's the thing. On the days leading up to Halloween, I was able to get my boys out of bed and up and ready for school by yelling out, in an excited voice:

"(fill in random # here) more days 'til Halloween..."

This pretty much got them out of bed and dressed no problemo. Because what were they?? Excited, that's what!

So now what the heck to I do?

Somehow "2 months 'till Christmas..." just doesn't seem to have the same appeal.

"61 days 'till Christmas..." Nah, even Jinglebelled out it still doesn't work. It seems like an eternity away. That wouldn't get me out of bed in record time either.

So it's back to grumpy pants Mom who yells them out of bed, yells them dressed, and yells them to get teeth brushed, etc.

I could threaten to highjack their "ween loot. But then they might hide every left shoe in each pair that I own which would indeed mess with my sanity.

Yup, I'm buggered until at least Dec 1st!

Our Halloween House

How do you know it's Halloween?

Houses are dress up in creepy, crawly, ghoulishness.

And if your house is like mine, your kids have put up anything that resembles the Halloween image, in any location they can reach, in a hodge podge manner, just because.

I've seen these "just because" decorations in a few houses. Odds and ends, bits and pieces, placed here and there with no thought to "decoration flow". I personally don't really care about this hodge podge mess of chaos. The kids are so excited about going out on Halloween night, so setting up their "decorations" makes them feel excited about this yearly event.

We've got spider webs blowing in the breeze, taped to the windows to stay put. Paper masks taped to the windows peeking out for anybody to see (given to the boys by a restaurant we were at last week as a kids take away toy), and about a weeks work of papers and flyers stuffed into plastic ghosts and pumpkins splattered all over the place.

These guys constantly rotate to face the house and stay that way, never looking out unless you manually turn them...only to turn back again. We got these at Ross in the States.

Off to the left of the picture is a bit of spider web that blows in the breeze. Every time it billows and I happen to be near the window, I catch a glimpse of this billowing string out of the corner of my eye, and I think there's someone outside my window.

This is what lights up the boys faces each morning.

Oh, I love me some free stuff!

Because I'm a smart shopper.

Whilst (probably the first time I've ever used that word) strolling through the isles at my local Real Canadian Super Store, I saw me an amazing sight in the cereal isle. Not only was the cereal on sale, but check this out...

Look at all the words "free" on the boxes!!!!

Now before I'm judged on the choice of cereal for the kids, I don't go above 10 grams of sugar per serving. If the box has more than 10 grams per serving, then I don't get it. You have to choose your battles right? One small bowl of Nesquik (I pour it out to control amount) followed by All Bran, or some such, to finish up the milk in the bowl, I think is a fair trade off to get my kids to eat healthy. Then they spend the rest of they day eating fruit, veggies, etc.

Okay, back to the free stuff. Check it out. With the Life box, you get a free box of Quaker Chewy granola bars. I pay the tax of course. Alpha-Bits get us a free t-shirt when you go on-line and enter in a special pin code. We've done this many times before with cereal boxes. Just within the last month we got our two free beach towels in the mail care of Cheerios. The Nesquik will get me my choice of free yogurt. I think I'm going for the container of Asana - Yoplait I think.

So needless to say I got many boxes of these cereals. Each one cost no more than $2.99 each. I'd say that's a pretty good deal. Cereal and free stuff for under three bucks.

I'm good!! (patting myself on the back)

Seriously, is there something hanging out my nose?

You know when you’re walking down the street and it seems like everyone you pass is staring at you?

 

This happened to me today on my walk at lunch. My first reaction was “is my fly open?” - discretely checking crotch area, making sure not to look like I’m scratching “the area” cuz I’ve got an itch - Fly is up!

 

Okay keep walking. And more staring.

 

Crap, is my make up smudged on my face - did I sneeze when my mascara was wet. No don’t think so, I would have noticed when I was in the bathroom before leaving for my walk…did I remember to actually look at myself in the mirror? -  Ya I think I did.

 

Jeez, I need to find a store pronto, that has a mirror I can look into….more staring.

 

For the love of Nancy, WHAT!!! Is there something hanging out my nose? - pretending to scratch my nose, secretly looking for loose boogers – sorry to be gross – that might be visible - Nope, nothing I can feel, and I’m PRETTY SURE I’d never leave my own house with boogers hanging out my nose.

 

…Okay, there’s a store…saunter in…nice shoes, good sale, those are pretty…move towards the mirror…grab a pair of shoes to pretend to examine…check self in mirror…

 

All good from what I can see.

 

Sales person asks me if I’d like her to find those shoes in my size. To which I reply “No thanks, I’m just checking to see if I have a booger hanging out my nose looking at the moment, thanks.

 

So why in the name of God does it seem that everyone’s looking at me. I can’t possibly be that worth looking at…could I?

 

People, you’re making me paranoid here.

You wanna card me...right?

Tonight I was at the liquor store with my son to get wine for our Thanksgiving weekend. As we're standing in line my son reads out loud the sign about showing ID. "If you look 25 or younger, show your ID", or something like that. I explain what that means.

So I'm up, my turn to pay for my two bottles of wine.

Checkout guy is looking at my face.

"Hi", I say with a big smile because I'm trying to look young friendly.

Thinking in my head: C'mon, you know you wanna card me, just go ahead, ask for it....

Nothing.

I'm staring into his very soul with all my will, strength, and any other worldly power: Ask, PLEASE ask? Pretty please?

Nothing.

Thinking in my head very loudly: OH. COME. ON. I WANT YOU TO ASK SO THAT I CAN SHOW YOU MY DRIVERS LICENSE AND THEN FEEL ALL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF...

...and then outwardly gloat to the folks behind me in line that I am in fact well over the 19 years of age drinking age limit and I look DAMN good for my age...see aren't I pretty?...I know you're jealous.

Nothing.

Transaction completed and have a nice day.

Well thanks for nothing, old man. Way to bring me down to even lower depths of despair over fact that I'm nearing 30 39 (holy crap) 40 and I'm trying to hang on to my youth (sniff, sob, I'm getting old).

Status update: currently drowing my sorrows in some good wine.

An Apology

This is an apology post.

I messed up.

The other day I posted about coming home to a messy house and having to clean it up. I also posted about having to do housework and get the kids up and ready for school while hubby doesn't.

I crossed the line. Hubby is upset. This post is not an apology to hubby - I need to do that in person. This is an apology to anybody who knows him who read the last post. You know how great he is. I do too. We're all lucky to know him.

I never meant to cross any line. This post was supposed to be fun, but in stead of fun, it became selfish and hurtful to hubby. I never meant for that to happen.

I didn't write it in a huff or anything. I was laughing inside (in a loving way) while writing it.

I'm fairly new to this whole blogging thing and I think I let my imagination take over and spew into public reading. I got caught up in the writing part (I was never a good writer) and when I'm on a roll, I get excited about it.

I'm not sure how he found out about this post. It's not secret or anything, but that's irrelevant. I invite him to read my posts. I want him to be proud of me.

So in an effort to try to amend my idiotness, I just want you all to know how wonderful hubby really is and how happy I really am in my little world.

I have the best hubby ever. He's also the worlds best Dad (next to my own of course :D). He does so much to provide for our family and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm quite private in my posts - I don't name names. I want my blog to be fun - good and bad fun (if that makes sense) but not hurtful to anybody. I'm not that type of person.

In an effort to respect the fact that he's not really into social media and doesn't really want to be "out there", (I'm totally cool with that)  I'll leave it at that as far as the message about how great he is.

Sometimes in life you screw up. I guess that makes us human. It's what you do to learn from those mistakes that matter. I'm not perfect - far from it. This isn't the first screw up and it won't be the last.

Hubby I love you.

I saw a spider THREE FEET LONG

This morning I walked into our gym/computer room to grab my jacket and saw the most ENORMOUS spider ever. This thing was about five feet long, and four feet high - seriously.

How in the name of all things cute and cuddly am I going to get my jacket out of this room.

Thinking in a whisper...cuz that makes all the difference:

"Maybe if I tiptoe quietly it won't see me and laser me with it's x-ray eyes."

Oh my God it's looking at me.

Kid comes in: "Hey mom, where's my.."

Me whispering in a yell: "SHSHSHSHSHSHSH, you have to whisper or It. Will. Hear. You"

OH MY GOT IT MOVED. IT MOVED. IT MOVED.

Inside voice: "I don't have time to vacuum it up; I have to get to work." (yes I really do vacuum spiders up but this one won't fit through the nozzle because it's SIX FEET LONG!)

Oh no. WHERE WILL IT BE WHEN I GET HOME FROM WORK?!?!

That's it, I'm never stepping foot inside that room again...which is right next to my bedroom so potentially the spider could venture into that room, so I'm never stepping foot inside my bedroom again.

Crap, this is really giving me major anxiety. I mean this is one of those people-eating spiders with large fangs, and front legs that can grab you when you wander into a room to get your jacket.

See look how HUGE it is...right?

Did I mention I HATE spiders?

The Buzz About Me

What was the best vacation you have ever been on?
Well it's a place I've always wanted to go to and it's fairly close to home, all things considered. Gettysburg, PA. I've always wanted to go and finally did two years ago. It was very moving.

What was the first amusement park you ever went to?
Disneyland when I was about 6/7. Road trip with the family in the Pinto station wagon.

What is something you are allergic to?
House cleaning and ironing.

What was one kind thing someone did for you today?
Co-worker told me my butt looked cute in my jeans

What time is it right now where you are?
Wine time.

If you could choose to be any color in the crayon box, which one would it be?
Fire Engine Red

Whats your favorite quote?
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

What was your high school mascot?
Saber Toot Tiger. (Sutherland Sabers)

Are you a left brain or a right?
Whatever part isn't hungover.

Vampires or Zombies?
Vampires.

Okay I Gotta Defend Vancouver Fashionistas

So in case you didn't know, Vancouver scored 3rd on the worst dressed city list next to Maui and Orlando, thanks to GQ Magazine's view of our famous yoga fashion wearing citizens.

It seems that Lululemon pants, seen on most ladies backsides strutting down Vancouver streets, are a fashion no-no.

According to GQ Magazine, we wear our Lulu pants all the time, to the store, running errands, etc. And not only that, many bottoms don't really look great in these tight fitting yoga pants...okay that's a fair statement, I agree.

Apparently, we're also wearing these totally comfy pants to work in offices. Okay another fair statement...keep the yoga gear out of the office space unless you're heading to the gym at lunch.

But I feel that I have to defend us yoga gear wearing "fashionistas".

Maybe for many of us it's not a matter of choosing this gear as an outfit to wear in places where perhaps a nice pair of jeans would be better suited. Perhaps we're actually wearing them for, oh you know...

EXERCISE?!?!

I think I speak for many of us. If you're finished at the gym, or doing your workout, and on your way home you need to hit the Safeway for some groceries, you're not about to go home, do a quick change, then go right back out again. You have seen the price of gas, right?

And on that topic, this is Vancouver. We're a very fit city. Have you seen it? We've got plenty of running/walking areas, hikes, mountains to climb, yoga studios to go to. And I have heard that we're known for our very pretty (a'hem - blush) ladies. Perhaps that's because we don our yoga gear and exercise in it.

Namaste. It's time for my Shavasana.

Paranoia is really stressful

Okay, there I admit it...I'm paranoid to the max.

Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I'm too paranoid. Is that possible? My motto is prevention when at all possible, because who wants to deal with the alternative if there is no prevention.

I keep my children on a pretty tight leash...literally. So much so that I sometimes wonder what the heck other people are thinking when they don't. I always have my kids in my sights (I've been known to walk backwards just to keep an eye on them).

Last week two unique things happened that had me wondering...

When I was walking along Vancouver's Coal Harbour, I was at a spot where there is a 10 or so foot drop from the ledge down to the rocks below (depending on tide height) - no barrier or wall AT ALL. A lady and man were walking with a stroller and their two (approx) year old girl walking, mom pushing the stroller. While they were arguing about something, the girl was walking TOO close to the ledge and they had no idea about it. One small slip and kid over board.

Uhm hello!! I was so tempted to do something, walking in front of the kid, interrupting the parents, anything because all of a sudden I could see in my mind a kid falling over the ledge, head smashing on the rocks below, or drowning....and next thing I know it's my kid's faces I'm seeing.

The other episode happened when I was walking home from work and involved a mother and her 8 (approx) year old daughter roller blading along the Stanley Park sea wall entrance on Georgia. The girl stopped to look at the Canada Geese and the mom kept on going. As I was walking - I slowed down - I kept looking back...mom is still going, girl is still looking, mom is getting farther away, girl is still looking, mom is getting to a busy intersection to cross...girl is still looking at geese...

HELLOO, do you know where your daughter is (in my mind she's being yanked into a car and abducted...and of course again the faces of my kids are in play).

I've always accused hubby of not paying attention to the boys when they are all walking. In Germany I deliberately held the boys back while hubby kept going in a busy area of Munster. And of course to prove my point, he finally turned around and didn't see us and started worrying. WHAT IF I WAS NOT THERE!?!?!?!?!?!

I see this all the time. It takes no time at all for your kid to be picked up and taken and lost in the crowds in the arms of a stranger never to be seen again. It kills me to think of this happening.

I know I'm a bit judgy at times and bad things happen to really good people. I hate that. Some things aren't preventable and you let your kids out into the big bad world and hope and pray for the best. But sometimes what I see is totally preventable - people just need to pay more attention.

Ya, I'm paranoid!

Seriously... STOP!!!

Okay here's what I don't get, and it's been bugging me for a while whether the kids are in or out of school, but really had my blood boiling the other morning when I was trying to help my kids cross the street to walk down to school...

Why do cars NOT STOP at a marked cross walk when there are children trying to cross the street?

It seems like it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure this one out:

• 8:30 in the morning...check
• Sept. 7 first day back at school after labour day...check
• Two schools in the neighbourhood that if you're driving along the street you probably know about...check (if you don't you're an idiot)
• Children walking with large backpacks hanging off their backs...check
• Same children stopped at a marked cross walk....

Uhm, so the answer would be STOP YOUR F%&!#ING CAR to let the kids cross the street?? I don't know, seems like the correct answer to me.

Unlike some of my American friends, in my neighbourhood we don't use school buses, in fact the only school buses that I know of are for private schools. It's just not done here. We have sidewalks EVERYWHERE and they get used. (No offence to my American friends, I'm just stating a fact - love you all)

Kids walk, ride their bikes/scooter (lazy one's get a ride three blocks - pathetic) to school. It's what we do.

So why is it that I have to stand out in the middle of the road with my arms out, screaming like a lunatic for the cars to stop (embarrassing my 12 year old...yes apparently I have to help my 12 year old cross a street so he doesn't get hit) making a complete ass out of myself, with a mini van bearing down on me, then slamming on the breaks, tires skidding (so....you weren't going to stop I guess??).

I'm at a loss here folks. I quite simply don't get it.

The Buzz About Me

1. Have you ever quit a bad habit?
Nope. Never smoked, never did drugs, and only drink socially so unless using "like" in my sentences is a bad habit...

2. What is the most unique or exotic animal you have owned?
Guinea Pig named Smudgie. Little bugger chewed EVERYTHING!

3. What kind of computer do you use?
Use? Or sit staring at wondering how to use? LOL Dell something or other

4. What was/will be the color scheme at your wedding?
Was soft yellow

5. What was the last song you heard?
Linkin Park New Divide

6. What is the city/town you live in most famous for?
Let's see...Stanley Cup riots x 2 (1994 and 2011), and best Winter Olympics ever

7. What kind of person were you in high school?
Complete introverted dork

8. What is your lucky number?
Hopefully one that wins me the PNE show home

9. If you had to go 30 days eating only one thing, what would you choose to eat?
Chocolate or wine...chocolate or wine....AHAHAHAHA I can't choose!!!!

10. What is your favorite Bath & Body Works scent?
If it's got lavender in it, I'm wearing it

The Buzz About Me

This is fun. I'm participating again.

This Weeks Questions and Answers:

1.  If you had to label yourself as to one genre of music you listen to the most, what would it be?
Soft rock to hard rock.

2. What are five items that you always keep in your purse?
Phone, bus pass, building pass, gum, lip balm...I'm a simple person

3. If you could drink only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Wine

4. What are three tv shows you miss watching that are no longer aired?
LOST, Facts of Life, Silver Spoons

5. What is one cd your own that people would laugh if you told them you actually bought that?
A-ha 25 years compilation...so what?!?!

6. What is one job/career you told yourself you would never do even if it was your last resort?
Maid...oh crap that didn't work out too well (fuck I have to go clean the shitter now...)

7. How did you decide on the name{s} of your child{ren}?
Erik was named by us seeing his name written somewhere (can't remember where) and we liked it. Markus was named (sort of) after one of our favourite Canucks of the time - Markus Naslund.

8.  What is one show you refuse to miss no matter what?
Big Brother. But if I have to miss it I will because I don't have a PVR.

9. How many miles would you say you drive in a week?
Probably about 3. I take the bus to work and I only drive to the store, hiking, etc. at the weekends. I don't drive during the week. (I'm a loser cruiser taker to work...er)

10. Who is one celebrity you wish would just go away & disappear off the face of the earth never to return?
Carrot Top. Sorry but he's dumb!

Wordless Wednesday - Let's go cruizin'

The Disney ship in port at Canada Place in Vancouver.

You wanna go where? Do you know how much liquid I've had?

Okay so here's a little pointer for you, brought from me to you because I care...

Don't go on a long hike right after you've guzzled two large mugs of coffee and eaten a pound of watermelon. Just sayin'.

And ESPECIALLY after you've birthed children and your bladder can no longer handle a simple sneeze without saying Hidee'ho!

We did the Lynn Loop today, which was nice and all, but I had to pee really bad during this entire hike of 6 KM, uphill, downhill, lunch break near the river (running water makes you want to pee more - why is that??).

I don't know what I'm doing here, but I can tell you this....I REALLY need to pee!



I Turned 15

I just recently celebrated 15 years of incarceration at my company (I mean that in a good way) and for my services I received a very nice watch. A Citizen Eco-Drive. Very nice and I'm ever so grateful. It's a total pleasure to work for my company.

However, this morning, my department put together a nice little "morning treats" party for me and presented me with a card that was created from scratch. Inside the card was what you'd expect, written comments from everyone. Very nice comments and I work with the best group of folks EVER.

But also inside the card were a list of things about me that everyone thought up, things that I have done, or represent, etc. I thought I'd share them because they're really cute:

She's a great writer, a great blogger and a great mom - to her children both at home and at work

She remembers everyone's birthdays (that's cuz I've written them all down cuz I'm a smarty pants)

She makes shiny, delicious cupcakes

She's every member of the marketing team's first friend because she's so friendly and she's already stalked them on Facebook (oh you know it!)

She can target a marketing list like no spammer on earth

She makes fanny packs look cool (fanny packs are the new purse...didn't you know??)

She brought the see-through dress back in style (okay I have to clarify this...last year at a company event I was dirty dancing to K$sha unknowingly in front of a strobe light that was on the floor...thank God my knickers were fairly nice and new!)

She's our resident reality TV show expert - two-time winner of the Amazing Race pool (and came very close to winning a third time had my team not screwed up in the very last challenge!)

She knows how to get a killer deal on killer heels (3 words, Ross and TJ Max - all you need to know)

Give her 10 minutes, an elastic band and a paper clip, and she'll produce a winning webinar

She turned Ibiza into a family-friendly destination (this after I had sobered up from my first day there...read all about that here)

She's North Van's most fashionable and fit momma...you'll see when she passes you on the Grouse Grind (very flattering but the only way I'm passing you is if I'm in the Gondola LOL)

She has a contagious laugh

She's a hidden gem - operating quietly behind the scenes, she always gets the job done

She will always rise to the challenge and is always professional and eager to help

She's a testament to growth and change - she's is quick to take on more and grow her skills

She makes the best of every situation and always puts her best face forward (I leave my worst face for when I get up in the morning...really just ask my boys when they see me in the morning when I've forgotten to remove my eye makeup)

This is me holding my AWESOME card with my mug on the front.

Seriously, this is the best list ever and I'm SOOOO touched. Did I mention that I work with the best group of folks EVER!!!!

Thanks Marketing team, and Company for 15 great years. It's truly a pleasure!

For lunch we headed out to Robson Street to try out the food cart vendors and sit on the new faux beach in front of the Art Gallery.

I had an awesome hotdog. Here's most of the gang stuffed after eating...and procrastinating the inevitable trek back to work. I got mustard and ketchup all over my three bracelets and down the front of my top. I'm a slob!

Five Question Friday

Today, for the first time, I'm participating in Five Question Friday that I saw on Canadian Blogger Girl who I'm following. Go check her out, k? She's cool.

Feel free to hop along. Just copy the button and the below questions into your blog and fire away.

Here goes...

1. Did you make any fun purchases this week?
Yes, I bought a cool item from one of my favourite stores, Lululemon. It's the Vinyasa Scarf and you can wear this thing in like 10 different ways. It wasn't that pricey only $48. Mine is in grey and I can't wait to wear it.

2. If you could go to any musical concert, what would it be?
This is probably going to sound stupid, but I don't care...it is after all MY thoughts isn't it? If A-ha ever got back together again, I'd love to see them.

3. What is your least fav/ most fav house chore?
Least fav, cleaning the pee up off the floor around my toilet...yep you read correctly, pee on the floor. I'm not sure what it is with boys and their "aim" but it sucks big balls. I'm sick and tired of the puddles of pee on the floor. That and ironing. My iron and I are at war.

Most fav...how can there possibly be a favourite house chore?

4. Would you prefer new appliances or clothes?
Tots obvs. Clothes.

5. Miracle Whip or Mayo?
Neither really. I do love sammies but I'm trying to stay away from bread. If I do have one it would probably be mayo.

Epic Vacation Part 4

Off to Germany.

We hitched a ride on Ryan Air and made our way up to Hannover.

A number of years ago, Hubby and I did a relocation cruise out of New York to Miami on a Royal Caribbean ship. Our dinner table mates, Heike and Andreas, were around our age, super nice and cool, and from Germany.

They've been to our house in N. Van to stay with us before they did an Alaska Cruise - now it was our turn to stay with them in Germany.

They are childless and their place is filled with almost priceless artifacts that they've collected from around the world while on their travels. We have two BOYS and our place does not have priceless artifacts...unless you count the old container of chocolate milk found under the couch from Gawd knows when (I clean there...I really do) that was hardened SOLID!!!

So I spent five days stressed beyond normalcy praying that no "brotherly love" would start up resulting in something broken that I could never replace unless I travelled to Egypt....well on second thought I'd actually love to go there.

Heike and Andreas toured us around Hannover and another close town called Hildesheim where Heike's brother works.

I had my first schnitzel in Hildesheim at the above restaurant and it was damn good. The portion sizes are HUGE and I could never finish anything.

We drank LOTS of wine, Ouzo (can't do Ouzo), and ate tonnes of cheese because it's cheap. Well actually, the marathon stuffing our faces with cheap cheese Olympics started in London and just kept rolling merrily along throughout the trip. I mean, what I would pay CDN $8.00 for a wedge of brie, you would pay Euro 1.92 or less for the same size. Holy cheese balls I ate my body weight.

Hannover portion of the vacation ended and we rented a car and drove ourselves up north to visit relatives. Hubby got his "speed on" driving the Autobahn.

Thank you Heike and Andreas for sharing your home with us. We had a great time.

*Thank God hubby speaks fluent German because I had no freaking clue what ANY conversation was about the whole time. It was sort of like being on one of those "quiet retreats" where nobody talks, only I was the only one participating!

The Buzz About Me

I started following From Mommy to Calm Insanity and she does a weekly "Buzz About Me" so I thought I'd join in.

The Rules:

1. Write a post with your answers provided to each week's questions
2. Place the button in your post so others can find this link back
3. Have fun and come back every week

---------------------------------------------------------------------
This Weeks Questions:

1. What was the first concert you attended?
John Denver. My Dad took me.....Bahahahahaha RIP John.

2. Who was your celebrity crush{es} when you were younger?
John Taylor from Duran Duran, Morten Harket from A-ha

3. Who is your celebrity crush{es} now?
Gerard Butler, Daniel Craig, and STILL Morten Harket (sorry but he's friggin HOT to this day), see?:

4. What is one of the strangest/unique things about you?
I'm totally fascinated by the paranormal. I love me some haunty stuff.

5. What are three fears you have?
Kids getting taken from me, meeting a Grizzly Bear when camping, and SPIDERS!!!!

6. What is one question that you have been asked so much that if you are asked one more time, you will punch someone?
"Am I going to get sick"...from my 12 year old when he eats meat he thinks is raw. First it's not effing raw, and second, one of these days I'm going to staple his mouth shut!

7. What nationality/nationalities are you?
Scottish, English and a bit of Irish.

8. What is one physical feature you like about yourself?
My long eyelashes. Jealous?

9. What is/was your favorite three reality shows?
Amazing Race, Big Brother, and What Not To Wear.

10. What three celebrities are you guilty of liking that everyone else seems to hate?
Do bands count? I like Nickleback. My co-workers HATE them. I can't think of anyone else.

Epic Vacation Part 3 - Mom Fail

To Ibiza, Spain we went.

Seriously, once you're over in Europe, getting around is so cheap. It cost us £10.99 plus tax each to get from Edinburgh to Ibiza. No wonder the place was teaming with Brits/Scots.

Nothing terribly exciting happened in Ibiza. We stayed at an all inclusive up in Sant Miquel FAR FAR away from the partay'ing. After all it's kind of hard to party with kids in tow.

We sat by the pool, sat by the beach, ate lots, played pool, ate ice cream...oh yeah, and drank quite a bit too.

Hmmm, oh yeah, I got drunk on the first day there. Okay so I wanted to try all the different little drinks the hotel was offering. Yellow, orange, blue and green. All pretty colours filled with vodka. Top that with the heat and not enough water, I was pretty much over by about 6PM.

Okay, by "over" I mean curled on the bed, wet bikini still on, face squashed into the pillow, drool draining out my mouth, and uttering incoherent curses to anybody who would feel sorry for me (hubby sure wasn't). Total MOM FAIL!!

So needless to say, no dinner for me that night. Hubby took the boys up to the buffet all alone and left me to pray that the band playing in my head would stop and that the hotel would cease spinning around me.

This is the first day. Me drinking the yummy yellow drink....all downhill from there.

So that was the only noteworthy thing that happened in Spain. No birds were hit by cars like in Scotland. No illegal pictures were taken like I did at the Tower of London. And we were able to get Internet too at the hotel.

These are ma'boys enjoying the pool.

Our hotel from the other side of the beach.

 I can knock Spain of my Been There list.

Epic Vacation Part 2C

How to get Internet in St. Andrews

When I asked my Mom if there were Internet cafes in St. Andrews, Scotland and she said no. I kind of didn’t believe her. I mean, come on, it’s 2011. Who doesn’t have an Internet cafe?

St. Andrews, Scotland doesn’t. She wasn’t kidding!

The FEW places who did have WIFI (and I mean I can walk faster than their WIFI speed), were temporarily “not working right now”.

How the heck do people send emails in this town!!

We needed to get onto Internet somewhere because we needed to do some online booking for flights we were taking for the remainder of the trip (you can only do this a certain amount of days ahead).

We eventually found a place, The Victoria Bar and Cafe. Slower than a snail moving at high speed, but we’ll take it. We went in once, ordered beer and used their Internet, but for the remainder of our stay in St. Andrews, Internet went something like this…

• Hubby races into town with the car and looks for a spot in the pay parking.
• Hubby pays for one hour of pay parking.
• Hubby races to The Victoria Bar and Cafe.
• Hubby plonks his derriere down on the rock wall opposite The Victoria Bar and Cafe
• Hubby holds laptop up in the air and waits for a signal.
• Hubby finds signal and types away as fast as he can before he loses it.

This is hubby “using the internet” in St. Andrews. Gotta love it!

Campout and a very sore back

Tent set up in the backyard? Check!

"The sleeping gear" and stuffies in the tent? Check!

Kids all excited to campout in the backyard by themselves? Check!

...1/2 hour before getting in the tent for sleep, 8 year old says he's scared and doesn't want to campout anymore. Not even with his big brother there with him, the backdoor unlocked, a flashlight, and a phone if they want to call us in the house.

Hubby pissed because he set up the damn tent? Yup!

Mom to the rescue. "Want me to sleep in the tent with you?" Kids - YYYAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!

I like camping but I do it on top of a queen size blowup air mattress, not on top of patio lounge chair padded covers, no matter how puffy they are.

Mommy need help getting up and out of the tent the next morning because her back is KILLING her? You bet!

I'm too old for this!

*FYI, a million stuffies surrounding you all night does not a comfy sleep make when you're over the age of 13

Epic Vacation Part 2B

...we hit a bird.

So we're driving back from Edinburgh to St. Andrews after a day of climbing all around the Edinburgh Castle, walking down the Royal Mile, having a peek inside the Edinburgh Dungeon (we didn't go in cuz we don't pay for stuff like that, too 'spensive), checking out the haunts of Detective Rebus (Ian Rankin books).

We get over the Firth of Forth bridge, no problem, pretty views. Kids are quiet (could be the slogging around behind Mom and Dad that has done them in).

We're on the motor way, and I'm dozing as I usually do when hubby is driving, when BHAM!

I got jolted awake *thinking to myself, we're in a rental car, that my parents are paying for, what the fuck was THAT!!

Hubby saw this pterodactyl fly up past the driver side, couldn't swerve because we're doing 100 on the motor way. Car still sounds okay, no weird noises coming from engine, so let's pray to GOD that there's no damage and continue on our way.

We get back to the house and survey the damage.

ACK. Round bit on the bumper is missing next to the license plate along with some bird blood.

So hubby comes up with a plan. He phones a BMW dealership in Dundee and orders the round part and matching paint. We go the next day to pick the parts up (and pop into the shops - Primark specifically - because we just happen to be in the area).

Hubby fixes up the parts, takes pictures for an insurance claim he's going to file when we get home. Then we drop off the car back to the rental place and...

Hubby to the rental agent: "yeah dude this piece fell off so I'm putting it back into place now...see there, it's back in place, all done"

We didn't let on about the accident because then they'd start looking for more damaged parts on the bumper.

£40 for parts vs. the messing around we'd get from the dealership had they known about the bird, not to mention extra money being handed over to them.

*Damn them Scottish birds are big

Epic Vacation Part 2

To Scotland we went...

From London we hopped on a British Airways flight to head north up to Edinburgh. From the airport we rented a car to be driven up to St. Andrews Scotland.

So I'm not sure how my hubby does it (probably his smile) but whenever a lady is at the car rental booth, he always seems to snag a nice car. In Long Beach, CA we somehow ended up with a Mercedes C300. Nice car and we felt special.

Hubby posing with 'the car' next to my parents Peugeot.

In Scotland, he manges to snag a BMW something or other for the same price as a regular compact car (Toyota, etc.). However I digress into the world of cars.

The whole purpose of this trip was so that my parents, particularly my mom, could take us all back to the ol'home town of St. Andrews, Scotland. The home of Golf! I've got a lot of history there on my mom's side. My Great Grandfather was the mayor. Much of what you see on the ride through the golf course to the West Sands parking is all because of another relative who was the Burrough engineer.

Both my grand parents, who moved to Canada 20+ years ago, both died in North Vancouver. However my mom and aunt brought them back to the family plot in St. Andrews, Hence, yet another reason to bring us all back to St. Andrews, to "see" my grand parents and other relatives buried there.

It was very peaceful to see the grave site (where my mom wants to be buried - another trip to St. Andrews for me whenever the time comes). I love old grave yards. They are creepy, magical, mystical and romantic all at the same time. In the above picture, my grand parents' engraving hasn't yet aged so it's not quite readable like what's above it.

*in a creepy kind of way, I was hoping to see or feel a ghost.

A wee hike, mountain bugs, and a whole lotta F-Bombs!

...but I was sporting my Lululemon outfit so I looked good looking bad.

I just came home from doing the Grouse Grind for the first time in about a year. This "hike" (ahahaha) is one of the North Shore's gems favoured by many, many people of all fitness levels.

This is the hike you take your "fit" cousin from Toronto on and once he's/she's completed this trek, they will be bowing down to you for the rest of their life.

This is "Mother Nature's Stairmaster", 2.9K (1.8M), 2800 feet elevation, near vertical HELL ON EARTH!

I am certainly not at my prettiest when partaking in this torture. Snot is dripping out my nose, sweat is coming out of every pore, F-Bombs are flying out my mouth aimed at nobody in particular, and I'm heaving my backside up this "stairmaster" in any way possible, usually hunched over in a near fetal position.

To make matters worse, every time I stopped to catch my breath (and it was often) I would be immediately swarmed by mountain flies, landing on every square inch of exposed skin.

Well I managed to complete this in about 1:45 which is my usual when I haven't done it in a while (compare to someone like my hubby who does it three to four times a week in just over 1/2 hour - make me barf).

So here's me at the top, squinting because I stopped and the friggin flies swarmed!

Yay me.

And the best part? Coming down on the PACKED tram that's filled with Grouse Grinders who are sweaty and stink!

*got home to find a few flies plastered to my sweaty face...nice!

Epic Vacation Part 1C

Hamleys toy store London - where no sane parent should ever take their child unless that parent has a secret wish to die a slow death by nonstop pestering.

Licking dirt off the floor is more appealing that listening to non stop nagging children demanding you purchase everything in site, then listening to the whining because you said "no"! (I hate you, you don't get me anything...!)

Multiple floors, packed wall to wall with everything you could ever imagine if you're 13 or below, and two or three sales people per floor demonstrating different gadgets to catch the eye of your child and keep them mesmerized and "I want that, it looks cool...please mom, please!!!!!!"

I knew the instant we made the decision to seek out the store on Regent Street that we'd regret ever using the brain cells to form that momentary thought and act on it. We've been to toy stores before - Walmart, Toys R Us, even FAO Schwarz - and we've dealt with the nagging and demanding. All parents do. It's in the job description.

But I believe the sole purpose of Hamleys is to go far beyond that realm of toy-store-nagging; it takes you on a journey to the Twilight Zone of hell on floors 1 through 5 with no exit in site.

Parents walk around like possessed robots with their arms outstretched and a credit card pinched in their fingers, a look of terror in their eyes but they're unable to snap out of the evil trance that has been placed upon them by their children.

You get sucked into a vortex that places you on another planet seen only on SciFi shows. Before you know it, your credit card has been charged and your child is walking away with a purchase and you have no idea how it happened.

...Wait..what the...who...where am I???

And then you walk out of the store pinching yourself - wake up, c'mon, wake up, it was just a dream...right?

*holy cow, that store was amazing

Epic Vacation Part 1B

Tower of London...and I pull a stupid that nearly gets us kicked out of the castle.

So it went something like this. You're pretty much able to take pictures everywhere around the entire attraction, inside and out, with the exception of the room where the Crown Jewels are kept.

Just before you enter the Crown Jewels room, you walk through another room first with writing on the wall that states basically "you are about to enter the room where the Queen's Jewels are held..." or something like that. Also on the wall is a sign that states "no pictures in the Crown Jewels room". Okay, so I kind of knew that you're not supposed to take pictures of the Royal Bling, check. So I thought I'd take a picture of the sign (IN A DIFFERENT ROOM) that stated we were about to enter the Royal Bling room.

Bad move.

Two...(I don't even know what the hell you'd call them, Tower of London employees, Royal Bling guards...whatev) sprang out of nowhere to very nearly confiscate my camera. Oops! The one said please delete the picture(s) you took. ?? I only took one of words on a wall.

So technical gadget illiterate me hands the camera over to hubby cuz I don't know how to delete pictures. He deletes the picture all the while one of these vultures is hanging over his shoulder, pulling at the camera, demanding to see before and after shots and generally making a public scene with us as the main stars.

"It's a picture of words on a wall", hubby says "I don't see what the big deal is, we haven't even hit the Bling room yet."

Vulture is still tugging on the camera trying to get it out of hubby's hands. My god, what a scene and SOOOOO embarrassing. We managed to convince the vulture that there was only one picture and it's now gone and we put the camera away and continued on our way with her evil eyes lasering holes into the back of our heads and turning our brains to mush.

Holy crap, my entire body was the colour of a red rose from embarrassment and I was actually shaking. The rest of the tower was cool and I managed to refrain from making any other moron moves.

I manged to get a few pictures tho...

Attack in the fortress is a real danger. This is where you might be stabbed, impaled or slashed if you wear a speedo

This is Henry VIII's armour. It's hard to see in the pic but his peepee had it's own protector that juts straight out at crotch level. It was kind of funny

Inside the Tower of London fortress

Epic Vacation Part 1

Vacation is now over and it's kind of a bummer. This was a pretty epic one - 5 weeks away. I've never done this before and truthfully felt a bit guilty taking this much time off work at once. This one was about three years in planning. But thanks to my parents for taking care of our round trip flight from Vancouver to Europe and back, and the two weeks in St. Andrews, Scotland, we had ourselves a fabulous trip that took us to 5 different countries (once you're over there, inter EU flights are dirt cheap with Ryan Air and others).

So yours truly, along with hubby and boys, started our trip in London, England, my birth place, to do some sightseeing. I also wanted to show the boys where mother dearest was born.

So we did the usual touristy stuff - St. Pauls Cathedral, Tower of London, Tower Bridge, Buckingham Palace, St. James Park, Covent Garden, Underground rides, Trafalgar Square, Double Decker bus ride, and trips to the local Tesco Express for food (£2.50 for a sammich, chips or chocolate bar, and drink - seriously can't beat that!).

Tower Bridge

The boys at the Olympic Countdown Clock in Trafalgar Square

The best part, tho, had to be the city squirrel being chased down city streets by vehicles (refer back to Frogger for additional proof that squirrels are dumb). Where the heck he came from in the middle of the concrete jungle I don't know, but amusing he was. He headed down one lane being chased by a VDub, only to turn around and get chased down another lane followed by a Black Cab. Was able to make a sharp left only to be met by a bus, did a phenomenal 360 flip two feet in the air to avoid said bus, and bolted in the opposite direction down the street and around a corner, being chased by the bus, never to be seen again. The whole time, we're standing at the bus stop with three other people, and we're all watching this action unfold and exchanging "oooh(s)", "aaahhh(s)", "watch out(s)", "run little squirrel, run(s)" wide eyed to each other.

It was awesome.

*I like to think the squirrel got away

**I tried to pay a visit to the Queen but she didn't accept my call

***I very nearly got kicked out of the Tower of London cuz I took a picture "near" the crown jewels...faux pax!!

Quick update

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been traveling and will be writing all about it when I get home. Currently in Ibiza Spain and it's so hot.

Out for now.
MummyChronicles

The Piss Mom Off Chromosome

Yup, my 12 year old has it. This chromosome that suddenly sprouts pre-teen, is switched on and pretty much runs rampant and makes itself known in a big way.

The Piss Mom Off Chromosome, otherwise known as the "I'll keep my room a mess just to defy the old nag", as well as "if you tell me what do to I'm not going to do it".

Warning, this chromosome comes along with extra special add-ons like "go have a shower, your body is changing (ya stank)", and "can you please remove your shoes - preferably to a location miles from me", all followed by a resounding "NO!"

This chromosome dramatically changes a luvy, snugly little boy into a sarcastic, foul mouthed, defiantly other worldly, raised in a barn, comatose, genetically altered, Nintendo DSI attached man-child who, surely to GOD I never gave birth to.

It's almost like the terrible twos didn't leave, they just hibernated for a few years, then came back with a vengeance to crap all over my world.

And what's with this plowing through my fridge and food cupboards like a Tornado ripping through a town? Nothing but crumbs and dust on the floor in his wake.

I feel like murdering love my boy but good lord, REALLY?!?!? I've gone through the manual the doctor handed me at the hospital 12 years ago to try to troubleshoot this. I think the instructions are skewed. I wonder if I can find my receipt and make a return.

Okay fine, I'm kidding.

*The man-child is still living - I haven't murdered him...yet

**I've got an 8 year old heading in the same direction. Yay me. Humph!

***I was never like this, never...really ask my mom...