Push-up Fail

No not the exercise kind...good lord no!!

Bra!

So today I was leaving work and while I was walking past the underground parking entrance outside the building, suddenly, POP!

Apart came my bra hook (front clip), happily parting both cups, one to my left, the other to my right.

Uhm, okay. I kind of flinched a bit in recognition of what just happened out in public.

And of course, I've got no way/where to fix this minor undergarment malfunction.

My only saving grace...okay two saving graces...is that 1) I had on three layers including my rain jacket so nobody would ever know, and 2) I'm pretty teeny in the boobage area so ...which sort of begs the question, why would I bother with a bra anyway?

The precise moment of  unsnap-pop happened to be also when our President was exiting the underground, and saw me and we waved to each other.

I'm hoping that he didn't really see my sudden wide-eyed look of "oh crap", thinking that it had something to do with him.

So I remained, technically, braless throughout the entire bus ride home.

Time to buy a new bra, I'm thinking.

How to escape a speeding ticket

Based on true events.

This happened to me today.

In my whole entire life of driving a car, I've never had a speeding ticket. I've never even come close.

I've been very lucky because I do tend to be a fast driver. I'm certainly not timid behind the wheel.

So I got caught driving down Fell Ave.  going 60 K in a 30 K zone. Oops, double the speed limit.

I saw the cop walk out to the centre of the road, point to me, and in a dramatic fashion, swing his stick straight arm with pointed finger over towards the side of the road (aka, pull the heck over, I've just caught you).

Holy crap moment, heart starts to beat faster. Make sure I pull over correctly - right indicator on (OMG the brake lights better be working), pull over to the curb. Turn the engine off (not sure if you're really supposed to do that but I did), role down the window...then put on the show.

Cop: Ma'am, hello. What's the rush?
Me: Getting the tears on - My Dad's in the hospital (explain a little more of his condition to the cop), and I have to get my kids...
Cop: Your Dad's in the Hospital? That's where you're going?
Me: Yes. Look, I understand your position. I take total responsibility. You need to do what you have to.
Cop: You were going 60 K in the 30 zone. You can't do that.
Me: I'm so sorry. I understand
Cop: Alright Ma'am. You can go. Just please be careful.
Me: Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Drive off V E R Y  S L O W L Y...(look, see, I'm a good driver...)

Nearly run a red light that's just ahead (God I hope he wasn't looking).

He wasn't.

And that's how you escape a speeding ticket.

BTW, the whole Dad thing was no lie. He's doing okay right now, but still in a lot of pain. I'm not getting into details.

Tummy Grumblies in C Minor

My stomach rumbles and growls all the time. It especially likes to do this when there is silence all around me.

Like when the bus makes its scheduled stop in Edgemont Village, the driver kills the engine, the silence hangs in the air...until my stomach interrupts the silence (oh God, please, not now!).

Deep, gurgling surround sound that is epically embarrassing, erupting from deep within my gut...just because (shuffling around in my seat hoping to make other noise to drown out the sound).

I’m not sure why my stomach does this. It’s not…you know… gas (no really, it isn't) or anything. It just makes noise very loudly (I think I need to look for something in my purse - shuffle, shuffle - zipping open and closed very loudly to drown out tummy sounds).

My stomach always grumbled in school, especially high school, during exams…you know, when the only sound in the room was other kids erasing pencil marks, shuffling papers, clearing throats…and my stomach (oh dear lord, the classroom echos and everybody probably thinks I'm farting).

My God, embarrassing!

My Mother, and Grandmother’s stomachs both erupted almost on-demand. Maybe this is hereditary.

I’ve laid on the ground and my boys have put their ears on my stomach…and laughed hysterically at the free concert.

I’m not sure why I feel the need to share this. Perhaps it’s just because it’s one of those strange things that our bodies do, and perhaps I’m not the only person who has a musical tummy.

I can tell you this. It's absolutely embarrassing (why God, why??).

Duck!!! TicTacs are flying...

out of my mouth and no kidding.

I was on the bus the other day and when I sat down, I pulled out my TicTacs and popped two into my mouth.

After sucking these two just-in-case-I-have-to-talk-to-someone-next-to-me mints to about half their size, I felt a sneeze coming on.

Anybody who has sneezed with food in their mouths knows what happens - you get food all over your hand (if you're kind enough to cover your mouth).

Because I was on the bus and I had touched railings on it, I didn't want to touch my mouth. So I held my hand up and hovered it over my mouth....then sneezed.

And one of the TicTacs shot out of my mouth at about 300 miles per hour and pinballed about the seats, railings, and storage shelves, before landing somewhere to my right.

Oh yeah, it also made a pinging sound as it bounced around all over the place.

I kid you not. This really happened. Have you ever seen the colour of a beet, so to speak? That was my face!