Dear Mirror...

...I hate you.

You've completely bailed on our friendship. I don't want to be the person who's looking back at me today. That flat, and lifeless hair, not mine. Those crows feet at the corner of those eyes, not mine. That neck that's ALMOST starting to morph into a double chin, not sure from what creature you stole that from. Those not-so-white teeth...uhm, excuse me, I use those whitening strips!!! And who messed up the mascara....? Wait a minute, are those jowls? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING THERE?? And what's with the easy button that looks like it could erupt like a volcano. Don't teens only get easy buttons?

Perhaps I also made the mistake of looking in the full length mirror too, because I swear you both are out to ensure that I travel to an early grave and fast. Who's butt is that?? Mine is perky...isn't it? And I thought muffin tops were supposed to be on actual muffins, not my sides. The person posing back at me looks like they ate all the muffin tops (....oh wait, was that me?). And where did the boobs go? I swear I had perky little boobs. All I see are saggy sacks that look like they can't wait to head south.

So what gives? What did I do to upset you? I want to go back to being friends, but I can't when you betray me like that. Friends are supposed to help each other out, right? Perhaps we should separate for a while. You can go your way and "reflect" on how you portray me. I'll go my way and drown my sorrows by eating another muffin while sucking back a bottle of wine. ~Sob.

Yours truly,

Me.