Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Admittance by Donation

Park & Tilford Garden's Christmas Lights

Or if you’re my family and myself, admittance-by-just-walking-right-on-in-without-donating-a-darn-thing-because-you-never-saw-the-stupid-sign that said “Admission by Donation”.

Of course I didn’t see the large sign that said “Donation” because I was too busy trying to be all purdy to the cute North Vancouver District Firemen who were manning the friggin donation boxkeep my boys on a leash…ogling the firemen!

‘Scuze me but I didn’t see the box because it was placed behind four cute firemen and I was trying to figure out what they looked like underneath their getup!

So barrel-on-in we did because we had one mission (and apparently it was not to donate anything). We were going to play hide and seek, in the dark, in the gardens, surrounded by Christmas lights, me, the boys, my Mom and sister.

So play hide and seek we did, like we do every year. Two teams walking around the Christmas-light-decked-out-garden trying to spy on each other without getting into too much trouble or knocking too many people over.

All the while my Dad took pictures:

So upon leaving, for some reason I turned around for one last look at the firemen, and I noticed the “Admittance by Donation” sign.

Oh my God, we’re a bunch of criminals. I can only hope that this truck load of boys DOES doesn’t arrive at my house should I need them, and recognize me for the cheapskate I am.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Obituaries - Alarm Clock

An alarm clock met it's untimely death by being stomped on in a fit of frustrated tired rage this morning.

For two mornings in a row, said alarm clock didn't "alarm" in the morning, resulting in the Mom waking up way late for work.

Waking up "way late for work" results in the Mom speeding through morning rituals:

  • Half-ass hair wash
  • Underarm soap not being rinsed completely
  • "Other" soap not being rinsed completely - potential awkward ichfest
  • Record breaking shower that should have earned a speeding ticket
  • Forgetting to brush the teeth - thank God for the ancient toothbrush and toothpaste at work
  • No eye makeup
  • Speed-drinking the morning coffee - resulting in a stomach cramp
  • And just generally whacking the Mom's day off kilter

Alarm clock will not be missed because this is not the first, second, or even sixth time it hasn't "alarmed" in the morning. Alarm clock has earned the nickname "Piece of Shite".

The funeral was held after work. By funeral the Mom means the zillion little pieces that were the "Piece of Shite" being unceremoniously dumped in the trash.

Good riddance, Piece of Shite. You will not be missed.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn...

...the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."

Clark Griswold, staring out his window looking at Eddie empty his RV toilet into the sewer.

Christmas Vacation - probably one of my most favourite Christmas movies ever, ever, ever.

I try to watch all of the Christmas specials on TV with my kids:

  • The original cartoon How the Grinch Stole Christmas - awesome!!
  • Frosty the Snowman - wouldn't be Christmas without him
  • Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - I sometimes feel like a misfit too
  • It's a Wonderful Life - such an amazing classic movie
  • A Christmas Carol - probably one of my all time faves from when I was a child. The one with George C. Scott is the best
  • The Polar Express - a new favourite added to the list within the last few years. The colours and screenplay are amazing

But of course, nothing beats Clark Griswold and his antics.

"Clark, we're stuck under a truck."

"We were gonna call, but Eddie wanted to make it a surprise"
"If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am right now."

Happy Griswold!