Saturday, March 31, 2012

Things I Hate

Just random peeves...

1) When my sock(s) slowly creep their way off my heal and toward the front of my foot. I hate it even more when I'm wearing long boots and can't fix the situation quickly.

2) That hardened semi-dried plug of moisturizer (soap, lotion, etc.) that prevents the moisturizer (soap, lotion, etc.) from coming out but then finally dislodges with a squelch, followed by more-than-you-needed-in-the-first-place moisturizer (soap, lotion, etc.).

3) When there are PLENTY of free double seats on the bus and the next passenger to board JUST HAS TO sit beside me.

4) When there are PLENTY of parking spots all over the place and someone JUST HAS TO park right beside me.

5) When some arse thinks his Nissan Pathfinder is small enough to fit into a parking spot specifically designed for a Smart Car (because it actually says "Smart Car" on the spot), so I, in the Smart Car, has to find a different spot specifically made for a vehicle the size of a Nissan Pathfinder. What...?

6) When the TV listings states that a specific show is on at that time on four different channels, but in fact something completely different is on all four of those channels (and I've been waiting all week to watch that show)

7) When I go to my bottle of red wine to pour myself a glass only to find it empty. Like who leaves an empty bottle of wine on the counter...? Oh me.

8) When I've just started to snuggle down in to an "almost-sleep-oh-so-cozy-sleep-is-almost-here" then I realize I have to pee and I have to get up out of my oh-so-cozy state.

9) Getting schooled by the little red squiggly lines that keep appearing under various words I type, that are telling me I've spelled the word wrong...and the fact that it takes me a while to figure out what's wrong with the word.

10) Bullies. Totally HATE them!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

...or you know what will happen...!

I say it all the time to my boys.

…or you know what will happen…!

What in the name of God is going to actually happen?

“Get your pj’s on now or you know what will happen” – Ice Age part two?

“Get your dirty clothes off the floor or you know what will happen” – the planets will collide?

“Finish your dinner now or you know what will happen” – aliens finally invade Earth?

“Get your teeth brushed now or you know what will happen” – they all fall out? Hardly.

“Get your sneakers away from the front door and into your room, or you know what will happen” – well that's obvious, isn't it...??

“Brush your hair or you know what will happen. You look homeless” – they go to school looking homeless. They’re boys, they don’t care.

“Pick your wet towel up off the hardwood floor and hang it up or you know what will happen” – Mom will pick it up eventually…score one for the kid(s).

“Turn the TV off now or you know what will happen” – your brain will eventually explode from Storage Wars marathon and guess who will have to clean it all up?

“Turn the computer off now or you know what will happen” – the above, if you’ve already survived 24 episodes of Storage Wars in row and your brain is still in its case.

“Stop picking your nose or you know what will happen” – uhm, your head will cave in??

“Stop making that face, or you know what will happen. If the wind changes, it will stay that way” – cool, wait until my friends see it… epic fail for Mom.

Parents, we need to come up with a new plan!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

How to escape a speeding ticket

Based on true events.

This happened to me today.

In my whole entire life of driving a car, I've never had a speeding ticket. I've never even come close.

I've been very lucky because I do tend to be a fast driver. I'm certainly not timid behind the wheel.

So I got caught driving down Fell Ave.  going 60 K in a 30 K zone. Oops, double the speed limit.

I saw the cop walk out to the centre of the road, point to me, and in a dramatic fashion, swing his stick straight arm with pointed finger over towards the side of the road (aka, pull the heck over, I've just caught you).

Holy crap moment, heart starts to beat faster. Make sure I pull over correctly - right indicator on (OMG the brake lights better be working), pull over to the curb. Turn the engine off (not sure if you're really supposed to do that but I did), role down the window...then put on the show.

Cop: Ma'am, hello. What's the rush?
Me: Getting the tears on - My Dad's in the hospital (explain a little more of his condition to the cop), and I have to get my kids...
Cop: Your Dad's in the Hospital? That's where you're going?
Me: Yes. Look, I understand your position. I take total responsibility. You need to do what you have to.
Cop: You were going 60 K in the 30 zone. You can't do that.
Me: I'm so sorry. I understand
Cop: Alright Ma'am. You can go. Just please be careful.
Me: Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

Drive off V E R Y  S L O W L Y...(look, see, I'm a good driver...)

Nearly run a red light that's just ahead (God I hope he wasn't looking).

He wasn't.

And that's how you escape a speeding ticket.

BTW, the whole Dad thing was no lie. He's doing okay right now, but still in a lot of pain. I'm not getting into details.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Tummy Grumblies in C Minor

My stomach rumbles and growls all the time. It especially likes to do this when there is silence all around me.
Like when the bus makes its scheduled stop in Edgemont Village, the driver kills the engine, the silence hangs in the air...until my stomach interrupts the silence (oh God, please, not now!).
Deep, gurgling surround sound that is epically embarrassing, erupting from deep within my gut...just because (shuffling around in my seat hoping to make other noise to drown out the sound).
I’m not sure why my stomach does this. It’s not…you know… gas (no really, it isn't) or anything. It just makes noise very loudly (I think I need to look for something in my purse - shuffle, shuffle - zipping open and closed very loudly to drown out tummy sounds).
My stomach always grumbled in school, especially high school, during exams…you know, when the only sound in the room was other kids erasing pencil marks, shuffling papers, clearing throats…and my stomach (oh dear lord, the classroom echos and everybody probably thinks I'm farting).
My God, embarrassing!
My Mother, and Grandmother’s stomachs both erupted almost on-demand. Maybe this is hereditary.
I’ve laid on the ground and my boys have put their ears on my stomach…and laughed hysterically at the free concert.
I’m not sure why I feel the need to share this. Perhaps it’s just because it’s one of those strange things that our bodies do, and perhaps I’m not the only person who has a musical tummy.
I can tell you this. It's absolutely embarrassing (why God, why??).

Monday, March 5, 2012

Major Accomplishment Today

Today, I accomplished something great. Something so extraordinary, that I found myself patting my own self on the back.

Something so huge, I found myself saying to myself, "Self, you done good today, I'm real proud of you!"

Something that I've been trying to do for a very long time, but could never quite get there. You know that thing that keeps itself just out of reach you think you'll never catch it, or face it, or become one with it?

Well I did it. I owned it today, yes I did. And I feel like shouting from the rooftops as loudly as I can...


NOT $50.01! NOT $50.02!


I know, you feel it too. Isn't it great? I just can't help but smile. I OWNED that gas pump today. I stopped that b&tch at $50.00 exactly.

I showed it who's boss!!!!

For many gas tank fill ups, that pump has taken advantage of me, adding in those extra few cents. No matter how quickly I move my hands - pull, release, pull, release, pull, release - the frustration was starting to get to me.

Score one for the Mom today!

Gas pump had the last laugh because I drove off before shutting the gas flap on the car...DOH!!