Friday, November 4, 2011

How To Apply Uber Skinny Jeans

When I say apply, I don't mean put on over your legs, pull up over your butt and zipper them up. That would mean "putting on a pair of pants".

No no. Uber Skinny Jeans require a certain procedure in getting into. It's a process that takes certain skill, patience and not much finesse.

First you have to mentally prepare yourself for this process...physically too (once on, you can't take off so pee first!)

First step is getting your feet through the one inch foot holes. No small "feet" - ahaha, get it?

You then have to heave the skin tight denim up and over your knees.

Once up over the knee area, you then have to shimmy them up to your waist location. You need to do the jiggle-your-butt maneuver in order to place your derriere inside fashion's modern day torture device. This might involve using your own hands to squish and prod your glutes in place. Much like jamming as much clothing into your luggage and trying to close it up.

At this moment, the Uber Skinnies are still not zippered/bottoned up. This is your last chance to take a nice deep breath with your gut hanging out because this is the last time you'll do it while wedged inside this contraption.

Now, make sure there's a bed behind you....and fall onto it, on your back, stick straight, legs falling up so that you maintain that perfect linear, straight edged line.

This is the only way to do up any zippers or buttons. Ladies, you know what I mean!

Roll onto your side and use your arms to get up off of the bed. You will never be able to bend again.

Forget about sitting at your desk at work with your legs bent. Oh no, your knee caps are pressed so tight between denim and leg bone you feel like they might pop out of place.

After eight hours of feeling like you've been wearing half a body cast, you get home and take the second skin off. Here's how you do it...

All of the above only in reverse.

Then once your skin has thanked you from releasing it from constriction, you can marvel at the seam marks left permanently etched into your skin due to the equally tight heeled boots that were pressing denim and sock into your lady hide.

Ohh, sexy! I've had my pants off for about two hours now and I still have seam patterns all over my ankles.

My knee caps are thanking me right about now!


KERRY said...

You are hilarious!! Luv it ;)

Barbara said...

This is hysterical!!

Mommy With Selective Memory said...

Haha this is hilarious!! Reminds me of Dazed and Confused when they had to use hangers to zip each other up. Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm happy to join yours too!

Danielle said...

Thanks for stopping by Life With Two Boys.. I'm following you back!

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Or use a wire coat hanger to pull the zipper up.

Fekking brilliant posting!!