Tuesday, November 29, 2011

One goal, one assist and very frozen toes

Soccer last Saturday.

Rainy and wet.

Complete lack of enthusiasm on my part standing under my umbrella.

Having a kid who plays soccer does not a soccer Mom make!

This is the last place I'd rather be on a wet, rainy Saturday morning, freezing my toes on the cold ground.

Not to mention my gloves are slowly growing wet from blowing rain.

And then, on my fingers and toes, the Raynaud's starts. Not sure what that is? Check it out here. The top left picture is really what my fingers look like.

The pain starts to become quite severe in my fingers - this is a regular occurrence for me in the wet cold - and concentration on the soccer game slips away.

"Mom, did you see the goal I just scored?"


"Yeah buddy, it was awesome!!"

Good lord, will this game ever end. It's all I can do to get blood flowing back to my fingers.

Into the second half of the game...

"Mom, I just got an assist, and helped Colin score a goal. Did you see it?"


"Yeah, great job setting him up for a goal!!"

And this production repeats itself every other Saturday (hubby and I rotate), from Sept, to about April (any amount of cold will set off my Raynaud's). Putting my hand in the freezer section of the grocery store sets it off.

But every other week I go with the boy to a game. He's a wicked little player but my stupid Raynaud's prevents me from having fun there during the fall and winter months.

Needless to say, both the boy and myself dove into the hot tub when we got home. Me to warm up. He to sooth his goal scoring 'mooscles'!

Icing on top - they lost the game :(

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Wet Leaves

Not sure if you've seen the Canadian Tire commercials (if you're Canadian anyway) where a family is enjoying frolicking around in their front yard, playing in the leaves on a lovely fall day.

Let me tell you the reality of leaf frolicking in Vancouver...it doesn't happen.

There is no such thing as dry leaf piles in Vancouver.

In Vancouver, when the leaves start to fall, you know it's time for dreary weather.

As soon as there's a new layer of leaves on the ground, the rain starts. Rain makes for soggy leaves that you don't play in.

Once the rain stops, the sun will come out, the temp will drop, and the frost will cover everything outdoors and freeze it to the ground.

Frozen leaves make for extremely slippy conditions for walking and become Mother Natures death trap and there is no place to avoid them because they haven't been removed from the ground because prior to freezing, the rain has kept people indoors.

Once the temp goes up a bit, the frozen leaves thaw, but are now in a skeletal condition not worthy of anybody's time to clean up. These leaves leave a permanent brown stain on sidewalks and driveways which will eventually have faded at about the April time frame due to lots of rainfall.

So no Canadian Tire, we won't be playing in any leaf piles in our yard this season!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

When and Where to Apply Your Face

Short answer? Not on the bus or behind the wheel of your car!

We've all seen ladies applying their faces while driving, or stopped at a red light. And we all know how stupidly unsafe this is. Not to mention, how accurate can you possibly get with your mascara, etc, while peering into your rear view mirror and driving over man holes.

But what I see everyday while on the bus are the same two girls putting on their entire faces once they take their seats. Out pops their entire inventory of beauty products and the face-putting-on begins.

Are you really this unorganized in the morning that you can't take an extra 10 minutes before you leave the house to do this?

Buses are bumpy, jerky vehicles and it's not uncommon to slip slide in your seat as the driver breaks, speeds up and travels over bumps in the road. How can you possibly be applying your makeup here without stabbing your mascara wand in your eye?

I can't even apply my own mascara while standing stock still without splotching it on my upper lid . If I even attempted this on the bus, I'd probably impale the person sitting next to me.

C'mon ladies...do it at home.

Friday, November 4, 2011

How To Apply Uber Skinny Jeans

When I say apply, I don't mean put on over your legs, pull up over your butt and zipper them up. That would mean "putting on a pair of pants".

No no. Uber Skinny Jeans require a certain procedure in getting into. It's a process that takes certain skill, patience and not much finesse.

First you have to mentally prepare yourself for this process...physically too (once on, you can't take off so pee first!)

First step is getting your feet through the one inch foot holes. No small "feet" - ahaha, get it?

You then have to heave the skin tight denim up and over your knees.

Once up over the knee area, you then have to shimmy them up to your waist location. You need to do the jiggle-your-butt maneuver in order to place your derriere inside fashion's modern day torture device. This might involve using your own hands to squish and prod your glutes in place. Much like jamming as much clothing into your luggage and trying to close it up.

At this moment, the Uber Skinnies are still not zippered/bottoned up. This is your last chance to take a nice deep breath with your gut hanging out because this is the last time you'll do it while wedged inside this contraption.

Now, make sure there's a bed behind you....and fall onto it, on your back, stick straight, legs falling up so that you maintain that perfect linear, straight edged line.

This is the only way to do up any zippers or buttons. Ladies, you know what I mean!

Roll onto your side and use your arms to get up off of the bed. You will never be able to bend again.

Forget about sitting at your desk at work with your legs bent. Oh no, your knee caps are pressed so tight between denim and leg bone you feel like they might pop out of place.

After eight hours of feeling like you've been wearing half a body cast, you get home and take the second skin off. Here's how you do it...

All of the above only in reverse.

Then once your skin has thanked you from releasing it from constriction, you can marvel at the seam marks left permanently etched into your skin due to the equally tight heeled boots that were pressing denim and sock into your lady hide.

Ohh, sexy! I've had my pants off for about two hours now and I still have seam patterns all over my ankles.

My knee caps are thanking me right about now!

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Questionable Halloween Candy

Like any kid who went out on Monday night Trick or Treating, my two came home with a haul of goodies fit for a King.

I'm sure you're like me - the bags get dumped out on the floor and I literally sort through each and every one to ensure they're safe. I don't question my neighbourhood, necessarily. Each and every house we go to is totally fine and most have kids who either go to our elementary school or the one up the road.

The problem I have is with what goes through some folks minds when "preparing" their Halloween treats. The word preparing is a problem here. What's there to prepare? You open a box of Mars Bars, dump them into a bowl and put them at your front door.

But every year there's that one person who decides to go-that-extra-mile-for-the-kids and puts loose candies into individual bags that are decked out with all manner of spookiness, tied up with ribbons and bows (and repeat this process 100 times).


Loose candies?? (shaking my head) and off to the trash they go. What a waste.

Loose jelly beans, loose jube jubes, loose Skittles??


First of all your dirty, nasty hands have touched those loose candies and I don't know where they've been!

Second, and this is going back to my days of Trick or Treating 30 years ago, any fool knows about candy safety unless they are deliberately wanting to harm a child (I curse you whoever you are).

So why would you even bother to do this. Is it to save money? Really?

I get the whole "it's the thought that counts" thing, but in this case, there is no thought. It's just sheer stupidity.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Okay so now what do I do?

Okay, so here's the thing. On the days leading up to Halloween, I was able to get my boys out of bed and up and ready for school by yelling out, in an excited voice:

"(fill in random # here) more days 'til Halloween..."

This pretty much got them out of bed and dressed no problemo. Because what were they?? Excited, that's what!

So now what the heck to I do?

Somehow "2 months 'till Christmas..." just doesn't seem to have the same appeal.

"61 days 'till Christmas..." Nah, even Jinglebelled out it still doesn't work. It seems like an eternity away. That wouldn't get me out of bed in record time either.

So it's back to grumpy pants Mom who yells them out of bed, yells them dressed, and yells them to get teeth brushed, etc.

I could threaten to highjack their "ween loot. But then they might hide every left shoe in each pair that I own which would indeed mess with my sanity.

Yup, I'm buggered until at least Dec 1st!