Friday, January 27, 2012

Okay, so now that I'm 40...offish!

Today is my birthday and it sucks! Boo.

As I’ve been getting older, I have noticed certain things happening with my body that were really uninvited if truth be told.

Of course having children has not helped. As a co-worker put so bluntly, one reason she does not want children is because she does not want her stomach lying beside her on the bed when she herself is lying ON HER SIDE on the bed. BAHAHAHAH, that hasn’t happened to me…*blushing*.

The girls need the help of that Secret that only Victoria knows to keep them from falling half way down my rib cage!

Gray hair has sprouted and I colour every three months or so. Thankfully my hair is still silky smooth, not wiry as I’m prone to think it's supposed to go when you get older.

I’ve seen a couple of sun spots on the tops of my hands. After all, they are exposed pretty much all day, every day to the elements.

If I go on the trampoline, or play Just Dance on the Wii with the boys, I have to make sure I’ve peed first!

I’ve become judgy about everything and everyone. My Grandfather was judgy. I’m turning into a judgy old person who will have no issue with looking a person in the face and saying “those are the wrong shoes for that outfit” and “Yes, your but does look big in that outfit!”

I can now look at a handsome 50 year old man and think, "Nice" (15 years ago that would have been totally icky). On the other hand if I do the same now for say, the likes of Taylor Lautner (definitely team Jacob), it probably seems wrong.

Staying up past 9:00 pm is like total party animal for me. On the other hand, getting up at 5:15 am in the morning is WAY easier than it was during my 20s.

But of course now comes the dreaded “scan” in a place where the sun don’t shine! Family history has now become a reality and I now need to ensure my health. I’m sure I’ll do a separate blog on this magical event because the "scan" was made to make fun of.

Having a January birthday used to mean I could drive a car before my friends. I was also legal age first and could buy booze. I’d be the first person to call on for babysitting because I was older.

Now having a birthday at the beginning of the year means everything on flip side will fall to me first.

I’ll be first to have to reluctantly give up my license. I’ll be the first to have to give up booze because I’m on some sort of old person pill and it will react to the booze. I’ll be the first who needs a young person to now look after me.


Monday, January 23, 2012

My 70s and 80s - Yes I'm Suffering from O. L. D.

I’m a product of the 70s. I never pictured the day, way back when, that I would turn 40. I thought 40 was old! Now I’m leaving my 30s behind forever and I’m not too sure how I feel about it.

So what better way to get totally depressed than to reminisce about the things I loved about the late 70s and 80s. I don’t like to reminisce for too long because it’ll just put me into a depressed funk where I try to bury said funk in chocolate and wine. Chocolate and wine tend to hang around my mid-section longer these days compared to when I was in my 20s – depressing me more.

Speaking of wine, I had an affection for it early on....

So here goes…things I grew up loving:

My Cabbage Patch Doll – I was lucky enough to get one of these (or I should say my parents were lucky enough to leave the store with all limbs attached carrying one. Much like riots getting into Apple Stores for the latest gadget, parents did the same to get these dolls. Many people were trampled in the process). Mine is named Alberta Louisa and I’m pretty sure she’s still around somewhere.

The Smurf’s cartoon – Kind of like Phineas and Ferb today, the Smurfs were yester’year. I loved Smurfette because she was a little blue diva.

The movie Flashdance – I think like most girls, we desperately tried to replicate those dance moves in the privacy of our bedrooms. However, for me this ended in epic failure. I can’t dance! Also, that sloppy-off-the-shoulder sweater and red heals that Jennifer Beals wore were totally hot!!!!

The Walkman – OMG, I thought I was so cool and hip sporting my Walkman with large headphones. I’d stock up on my favourite music cassette tapes (yes cassette tapes) and play them until the battery (yes battery) died. Then I’d have to go to the store to buy a new battery and do the whole thing again. The concept of rechargeable wasn’t quite there yet.

And speaking of music – My faves were Duran Duran, A-ha, Depeche Mode, Culture Club, early Madonna, and yes, ABBA….oh oh oh and Platinum Blonde.

Acid Wash Jeans – These horrid creations thankfully did not last long. But I did own a pair and unlike pants of today, they were worn above the belly button because that was the fashion then!

The Hair Scrunchie – Yes that material covered hair elastic, in various shades, that added lots of volume to your pony tail. I owned quite a few.

Friendship Pins – As in safety pin!!! You’d ever so slightly unbend the end curl to allow small beads onto it and then trade them with friends and display them on your acid wash denim jackets. Ack!

These were totally IN!

Life Cereal’s Mikey – "He likes it, Hey Mikey". Mikey was a little boy who was a very picky eater (like the supposed target market), but he loved Life Cereal, and therefore, so will your picky little eaters! See the commercial here.

"Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun". If you’re old like me,  you know what I’m talking about. You also know who Hamburgler and Grimmace are!

“Boss, Boss, de’plane, de’plane". Again, you know who I’m talking about.

I may as well end on a fun note. Here's one of my favourite Platinum Blonde songs because some things Don't Really Matter

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

New Year's Resolutions...I'm so on them!

A few New Year's Resolutions that I could take on...if I really felt like it.

Maybe...if I feel like it.

  • Pick up the iron and iron...again. I tried this one last year and didn't get too far. I hate ironing
  • Drop the chocolate altogether. I don't really think I can do this, no matter how many cleanses I do. I still NEED my chocolate
  • Speaking of cleanses, I should probably cleanse. I've eaten so much crap. But the problem is I'd go right back to eating garbage I'm sure
  • Give up wine for a bit...not going to happen
  • Wash the makeup off my face at night before I go bed...too lazy to do that but I probably should anyway
  • Use up my hair products before I buy new ones. Too late. I've already bought new ones in the New Year. They're shoved up next to the existing ones (I've got to use this crap up)
  • Buy more shoes...and Check!!!
  • I don't smoke, so check!
  • Exercise more...when it stops raining...I live in Vancouver so...nope!
Does anybody stick to resolutions anyway?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Duck!!! TicTacs are flying...

out of my mouth and no kidding.

I was on the bus the other day and when I sat down, I pulled out my TicTacs and popped two into my mouth.

After sucking these two just-in-case-I-have-to-talk-to-someone-next-to-me mints to about half their size, I felt a sneeze coming on.

Anybody who has sneezed with food in their mouths knows what happens - you get food all over your hand (if you're kind enough to cover your mouth).

Because I was on the bus and I had touched railings on it, I didn't want to touch my mouth. So I held my hand up and hovered it over my mouth....then sneezed.

And one of the TicTacs shot out of my mouth at about 300 miles per hour and pinballed about the seats, railings, and storage shelves, before landing somewhere to my right.

Oh yeah, it also made a pinging sound as it bounced around all over the place.

I kid you not. This really happened. Have you ever seen the colour of a beet, so to speak? That was my face!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Me and a glass of red wine, standing on a white carpet...

So that title probably tells you exactly where this is going, and you'd be right.

You can dress me up, you can even take me out, but don't let me talk animatedly with a glass of red wine in my hand while standing on a white carpet, in a very expensive part of Vancouver, in a very expensive house belonging to people who can afford to hire a coat check girl, appy waiters, and cooks for the party.

Gar'on'teed I'll spill the wine on the carpet.

And gar'on'teed I'll try to pretend that it didn't happen, while discreetly trying to find a napkin and clean up the wine that is dripping down my pinky, onto the base of the glass, and again, onto the white carpet.

I mean, come'on. Who has a white carpet?? That's asking for a disaster to happen. And I'm the disaster that will happen.

I'm fairly sure my face went three shades of red during this pathetic show of grace.

What I did see during the later part of the night was someone cleaning up another part of the carpet with ginger ale. A part of the carpet that I was not standing anywhere near, thank you very much. So there!!! I guess I'm not the only clutz!

Oh yeah, know what? I DIDN'T get any wine on my dress. BOOM!