Thursday, April 7, 2011

Being a Lady - An Olympic Sport

And the Gold Medal goes too...

The sun has been out a few days this week here in RainCouver, so I thought I’d break out my khaki GAP skirt that sits just above the knee and wear my first non-winter item this year. Pairing this item with my brown Peter Pan boots (that’s the only way I can describe these leather masterpieces that I purchased at Aldo about 7 years ago. $120 well spent on leather that has lasted the test of time, I love these brown babies), and my purple RW@Co sweater, I gots me a pretty nice outfit for work. I am Hot Stuff.

So I do the usual quick checklist of activities that need to be done when wearing certain things. For example:

Sleeveless top: shave the pits


Open toe shoes: ensure the piggies are picture perfect


Khaki GAP skirt that sits above the knee: shave the walkers – check, did that few days ago and still looking reasonable.

So I’m sitting at my desk and obviously the skirt will ride up a little when in the sit position, and I notice my very unladylike shave line – that glaringly obvious line between clear cut forest and where the tree line starts. Damn it! It’s usually not that noticeable when I’ve got a little colour on my skin, however, I’ve got me some pasty white walkers thanks to Father Fall, and Old Man Winter. My legs haven’t seen the sun since about last August. So that got me thinking about all the things that we women have to do to make ourselves presentable in public (or at least most of us do anyway – some ladies I’ve seen are Walmart of America poster children. No seriously, you should see these people, check the site out).

So here we go...

Shaving of the legs (a must for all women people...please)

Shaving of the pits (ditto per above, no man wants to see a shag rug under your arms)

Shaving of the lady parts (if wearing any form of beach attire….oh heck anytime, nobody wants to be known as the Forest Capital of Ladydome)

Plucking/shaping of the brows (a uni-brow does not a pretty face make, and word of caution,  they should frame your eyes, not a small country)

Moisturizing of the entire body (a must yes. Flaky dry skin falling from your person whenever you move is just gross. It also keeps your skin looking younger)

Making up of the face (no not chola style. Makeup that highlights your features)

Getting the hair did (an easy to work with modern style is fine. My only peeve is people who obviously don't wash their hair. I can tell, and  it's gross)

Thong vs. not thong (think ahead...we don't want to see a knicker line...or see the knickers for that matter, so colour is important too.

And so on~

Are you with me here, like come-on, this is some serious business.

Speaking of the last point, I wasn't thinking today - who am I to judge. So I walk home often to save on bus fare and for exercise. As usual I don my Lululemon bottoms I practically live it. I'm pretty much at the point of no return (ie, 1/2 way home) when I realise that I'm not wearing a thong - I'm fairly certain my knicker line is blatantly obvious, and to boot my monthly friend is visiting and I stupidly ran out of tampons so I'm using the alternative - a big bulky pad that I'm very sure is showing. In my mortified state, I'm straining to walk fast and discreetly because I'm sure that EVERYONE notices. For the love of everything stylish, what the heck was I thinking?

Sigh, I'm so exhausted. It's hard work being a lady.

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